I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
