Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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