I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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