So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
