Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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