He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
