You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
