she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
