marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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