you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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