My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
