Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
