I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
