I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
