Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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