You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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