Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
