how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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