I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
