Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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