i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Randomize
