The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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