i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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