I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
So apparently I’m into choking now
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