Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
