We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
