the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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