Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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