It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
