I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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