So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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