I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
