i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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