i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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