im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
