anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
you made out with another girl for some wings
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
