It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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