I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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