you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I need to stop coming to work sober
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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