STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
