Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
