i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
