I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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