So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You have to summon your inner elephant
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
