it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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