wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
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