can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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