Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
