best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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