You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm just crazy horny about you
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
