when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
