Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
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